My name is Chad Walker and I was married for 12 years to a woman that I can now only describe as a Narcissistic Sociopath (NS). I've done much research on the internet and in the bookshelves on this topic only to be told repeatedly by 'experts' that "Women cannot do this to a man"---which is an absolute lie! They can, they are out there, they are as devious and abusive as any man and the damages they produce on their men are every bit as harsh as a man can produce on his unwitting wife. Herein I define what a Narcissist and a Sociopath are and offer identification traits for each, drawn from other points on the web that illustrate these women in detail---I also offer my own personal story, my own journey through this insane nightmare of a dozen years. I am not a psychotherapist and do not pretend to be. I am simply a man hoping to reach out to other men in a similar circumstance and assure them that they are not alone. I have been there.
In this blog, I will respect my ex's privacy by referring to her only as "swampthing"---my own personal jab at a woman who made my life a living hell for a dozen years. Thanks honey, love ya-mean it!
Traits of a Narcissist
There are many traits these women manifest, this is just a starter list---feel free to suggest more. This list can be used to identify either female or male Narcissists.
1. Self-centered. His/Her needs are foremost in his/her mind.
2. No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds.
3. Unreliable, undependable.
4. Does not care about the consequences of his/her actions.
5. Projects faults on to others. High blaming behavior; never their fault.
6. Little if any conscience.
7. Insensitive to needs and feelings of others.
8. Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others.
9. Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage.
10. People are to be manipulated for his/her needs.
11. Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to his/her gain at other’s expense. If trapped, keeps talking, changes the subject or gets angry.
12. Pathological lying.
13. Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others.
14. No real values. Mostly situational.
15. Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate.
16. Angry, mercurial, moods.
17. Uses sex to control.
18. Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions.
19. Conversation controller. Must have the first and last word.
20. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment.
21. Secret life. Hides money, friends, activities.
22. Likes annoying others. Likes to create chaos and disrupt for no reason.
23. Moody - switches from Mrs. Nice to Mrs. Angry without much provocation.
24. Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations.
25. Seldom expresses appreciation.
26. Grandiose. Convinced she knows more than others and is correct in all she does.
27. Lacks ability to see how she comes across to others. Defensive when confronted with her behavior. Never her fault.
28. Can get emotional, tearful. This is about show or frustration rather than sorrow.
29. She breaks her man's spirits to keep them dependent.
30. Needs threats, intimidations to keep others close to her or in line with her beliefs.
31. Sabotages partner. Wants him to be happy only through her means and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances.
32. Highly contradictory.
33. Convincing. Must convince people to side with her.
34. Hides her real self. Always “on" stage and in control.
35. Kind only if she's getting from you what she wants.
36. She has to be right. She has to win. She has to look good.
37. She announces, not discusses. She tells, not asks.
38. Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda.
39. Controls money of others but spends freely on herself.
40. Unilateral condition of, "I'm OK and justified so I don't need to hear your position or ideas"
41. Always feels misunderstood.
42. You feel miserable with this person. She drains you.
43. Does not listen because she does not really care.
44. Her feelings are discussed, not the partners.
45. Is not interested in problem-solving.
46. Very good at reading people, so she can manipulate them. Sometimes called gaslighting.
Traits of a Sociopath
Here is a list of sociopathic traits put forth by Dr. Hare. Please note that some of these intermesh with the traits for Narcissism already listed.
Dr. Hare's Checklist (Sociopathic Traits)
1. GLIB and SUPERFICIAL CHARM -- the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Sociopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A sociopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.
2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH -- a grossly inflated view of one's abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Sociopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.
3. NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM -- an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Sociopaths often have low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.
4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING -- can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.
5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS- the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one's victims.
6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT -- a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and un empathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims.
7. SHALLOW AFFECT -- emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.
8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY -- a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.
9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE -- an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.
10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS -- expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.
11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR -- a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.
12. EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS -- a variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.
13. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS -- an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.
14. IMPULSIVITY -- the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.
15. IRRESPONSIBILITY -- repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.
16. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS -- a failure to accept responsibility for one's actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.
17. MANY SHORT-TERM MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS -- a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.
18. JUVENILE DELINQUENCY -- behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.
19. REVOCATION OF CONDITION RELEASE -- a revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.
20. CRIMINAL VERSATILITY -- a diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes.
Checklist for the Abused Spouse
Still not sure? Here is a list of questions to think about when trying to decide if you're wife is a Narcissistic Sociopath (NS). The list can be used by male or female and you should be mindful that if you can answer "Yes" to even one of these questions there is a potential for trouble. If your answer is "Yes" to more than two of these questions there is a hugh potential for major problems should you remain in the relationship.
1. Does he or she act out in verbally aggressive behaviors, or does he or she have 'rages', especially if he or she feels insulted in some way? Does he or she blame 'you' or accuse you of being the one that is 'acting out' or 'out-of-control'?
2. In the beginning was he or she just 'too good to be true'?
3. Does he or she rely on you financially, or does he or she ask you to help fund things?
4. Does he or she often spend outside of the budget?
5. Is everything always about him or her and nothing ever about you? Does he or she seem insensitive to your needs, unappreciative of your input, or non-acknowledging of your accomplishments? Does he or she not recognize your giving, kindness, and thoughtfulness? Does he or she seem genuinely not interested in your life?
6. Is he or she controlling? Do you often feel manipulated?
7. Does he or she show one side (Dr. Jekyll) to the public (a perfected persona which you know is fake), and another side (Mr. Hyde) to you in private? Does he or she go out of the way to impress people?
8. Does his or her ego bruise easily, or is he or she hyper-vigilant to the slightest insult? Do you have to be careful how you word things or voice grievances?
9. Does he or she expect special treatment or feel 'entitled' to it?
10. Does he or she talk about himself or herself more than you feel is normal?
11. Does he or she avoid eye contact with you, or does he or she withhold sex or affection? Has he or she been unfaithful?
12. Does he or she seem to lack empathy or compassion for others, or does he or she 'fake' it to enhance 'public persona'?
13. Do you feel emotionally battered and confused?
14. Have you noticed your confidence or self-esteem slipping?
15. Is he or she histrionic? In other words, in public does he or she hog the limelight, putting on exaggerated shows and telling fascinating stories in order to be the center of attention?
16. Is he or she loud or does he or she become center stage when engaging in simple conversations with other people?
hello came across your blog.i too am married to a lunatic,borderline personality narcissist
ReplyDeleteshe is sweet one minute then like a atom bomb the next
no remorse.no care for m.but to others she is a doll.
no one beleives me
its insanity
I have a girlfriend like that and we were friends for four years and I became ill and I never heard from her. When she finally called months after my surgery, she was treating me as I knew her to treat other people. She thinks she's the shit! Constantly posting pictures of herself on Facebook and embellishes her skills and constantly is talking about herself. I know the real person she is except now I guess I've lost my specialness to her and have become just another lowly worm in her eyes. I'm involved in a group as a coleader with her that I need to get out of. I'm breaking all ties as that's all you can do with a narcissist. My husband is a narcissist as well. Damn! I attract these assholes like a magnet and I need to seriously take a Narc course or something so I stop attracting these people.
DeleteToo funny, sorry to say but they seem to be everywhere these days
DeleteI am actually in my 5th year of marriage with a woman you could literally use as a prop/example of this sociopathic woman because this description of one is exactly who she is... I really am going to feel bad my kids will feel the broken home experience but I can't take it no more, I've done way too much and earned a lot more respect and trust then I get now in my life thanks to her %100! She's literally destroyed the life I spent 15yrs building before she sunk her claws into it!
DeleteO my god your talking about my ex who we have a daughter. Has tried to destroy my life in every way border line evil.
DeleteDO YOU NEED A GOOD SPELL CASTER TO BRING BACK YOUR LOST LOVE EMAIL: LOVESPELLDOCTOR0@GMAIL.COM FOR HELP I have been in relationship with my boyfriend for 2 year now and we were planning to get married soon and all of a sudden he left me for another girl, i really love this guy and never can imagine my life without him. I further tried all my best to get him back but all my effort to get him back in my life did not work out. It was on this faithful day, i came across some comments on a website about this great spell caster called Dr love so many persons claimed that he help them to renew their relationship and bring their ex back, i had to contact him because he was my last hope. I contacted him through his email and he assured me that in two days time my boyfriend is going to leave the other girl and come back to me and it was a very great surprise to see my boyfriend coming back to me after two days. I am so very happy today that he came back to me and i achieved this with the help of Dr love and i advice if you need his help too email him direct at (lovespelldoctor0@gmail com) check blog: https://doctorlovespell0.blogspot.com/
DeleteWow, we definitely need to talk! My girlfriend fits this bill. Add me: http://www.facebook.com/emilyannecox
ReplyDeleteThanks!
This sounds exactly like my soon to be ex. She would justify her behavior by stating "I will do what I want and don't have to explain to anyone. Serial cheating, compulsive gambling and alcohol abuse are her trademarks. She found a new victim and left behind numerous unpaid bills, children/grandchilren she did not contact for weeks. At first I wished for her new relationship to end badly quickly but now I am rather hoping it is a life sentence. She will use him up and spit him out also.
ReplyDeleteHope it's better for you now.
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DeleteSounds very much like someone who I just dated. Hope all is well now.
DeleteAnother good site for you : http://sociopathwives.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteIt took me less then a week living with a woman after a long distance relationship of one month. I'm shocked. Never experienced anything like that. Getting out of it pronto. How did you last so long?
ReplyDeleteMen like us meen our vows infront of god! Through sickness and in health. But when and where to draw the line.......thats hard when you have "abandonedment" issues and all you want is to be loved,this is where they get you!
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ReplyDeleteShe always a woman to me.
ReplyDeleteI have read a lot of articles on Narcissism since the break up my marriage due to My Wife's Mid life crisis. Everything I read steered me to this common trait. Your article shows the common theme that many just blow off to a woman's prerogative.
ReplyDeleteI went through your check list and again she scores high marks. Coming to grips with the abuse is still hard to over come. Left with the excessive financial burden, anxieties, and stress it's hard to just let it go and forget about it. There is also the manipulative behaviour towards the kids, which she uses to keep the mask from slipping in front of everyone. Strangers are more important than her family.
My wife has 3 boys from 3 fathers it causes PTSD for me i took in her boys only to have them taken from me.im sorry for you mostly the poor kids 🙊🙉🙈
DeleteYou have pretty much summed up my soon to be ex. I am preparing to leave within the next two weeks.
ReplyDeleteHere are some early warning signs.
1)She talks BAD about her own family and THEY have quit communicating with her
2) She has no friends now that she had before you met, and the "friends" she does have are merely work acquaintances.
3) She talks bad about you to her "friends", and says they take agree you are worthless.
And if you are thinking that maybe she is one of these people but don't know for sure, give her a test.
When I was first with her, I made a comment about her behavior because it didn't make sense. She was still in the hooking phase, I suppose.
When I noticed that she yelled a LOT more than anybody I had ever seen before, I made the comment that "its not what you are saying, its the way you are saying it."
Presto, the very next time she got angry and started an argument (something I have never done in our 12 years together, or with any other woman I have been with), sure enough she used the exact phrase about me. And continued using it each time she needed something to justify her treatment of me whenever she started a fight.
Plant a false seed in the form of a phrase she has never used before, and see if she uses it against you the next 500 times she blows up at you for NOTHING (if you can last that long).
Looking back, anything I ever said about her was used against me the very next fight. Never the same fight I used it in, but every one after that.
PLEASE, if you are with one of these people RUN RUN RUN as fast as you can away from her. Nothing she has to offer is worth the abuse you will take for failing to heed this advice.
I'm in so much pain its unbearable.. my story is long and as I think more about it is unreal.. but I need someone pls let me know if I'm the only one, but mainly how they moved on.. so here is just how I got where I am today.. my wife's drug use according to her was my fault.. she wanted me to leave so she started doing drugs.. I left.. but she hung on to me.. after her rehab a year ago.. my business was failing so I started seeking a job.. she wanted me to get a job out of town.. I told her my biggest fear was moving and she would leave me. She said she would never do that and what kind of person I thought she was.. got a job 300 miles away and it took only 6 months for her to leave.. we've been seperated 9 months and she hasn't let me go.. giving me glimpse of hope.. the last month she has been more distant but swore it was nothing.. Wednesday I got out of her that some random guy from London friended her.. and after a month they are in love.. but still hasn't let me go.. stupid me trying to convince her why we should try. Of course she will think about it.. my problem is my self confidence my self esteem and self worth is shot.. no sight for the future.. know I need to move on.. or should say have to.. but have no clue how to start.. my fear is taking her back if asked.. but I doubt it.. I'm used up and have nothing left to offer.. any help would be appreciated.
ReplyDeleteTerry the hardest part is the leaving, My son finally took all he could with his soon to be ex sociopath. He lost 5 years sobriety and a final physical fight with my husband and I; to realize we are willing to stand by him no matter what he decides to do. He is now 1 month sober and be damn the married man's (she moved him in 2 days after son left) wife she has begun harassing her. If there is family or a close friend then hopefully they will see your pain. For my son he knows he lost 15 years of his life with this sociopath and has moved on. Small steps were better the nothing. Hold on and know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just the first step is the hardest, but after a few weeks it will get better. Do not wait for her to get done with her plaything, FILE FOR DIVORCE! Keep posting here because you are not the only one.
DeleteThx so much... just hard to see.. when ur beaten down so much.. she leaves says she has no feelings for me but cares about me.. what the hell does that mean..have no friends being in a new city and my 3 girls live in different cities.. I have my son.. so it has made it me feel more alone and no one to talk to.. thx again for the reply..
DeleteTerry, just don't want to see another man go back to the emotional and mental abuse by some of these crazy women. I am a mom and it was hard to see my son being pulled away from us. He said to tell you when she says she has no feelings for you but cares means she is setting you up to prove she was the one wronged. Please if you can't do anything your best bet is when she calls and she will, don't answer the call. Let her hang in the breeze and wonder what the hell you are doing for a change. Get that divorce filed and get totally free of her. If you wait she will file on abandonment beat her to it. Sorry I believe women can be a spousal abuser, but our society sees only bruises of the body, but never the bruises of the emotions or mind. Pisses me off quite regularly. Keep taking those small steps because soon you will be making big strides.
DeleteThx again.. she did call yesterday.. but I wasn't there to answer. I called back a few times she wouldn't answer. I just wanted to get it over with.. finally she text me 4 hours later.. she text I'm not ready to talk.. I text the reason I called was I saw you called me.. I asked if that was an accident.. she said no..I said what u just don't know how to tell me? She texted she needs more time. So I've been going thru my head what I want to say when she tells me.. but I think I will take your advice and not answer.. I mean what does she need more time for? She found the man of her dreams after a month on Facebook.. who randomly friended her,. God I feel so stupid.. I just need to fine a way to fight thru the pain and finally end this....
ReplyDeleteThis is Geoff the one who is going through the same thing as you... You just have to be strong everything is going to run through your head the good and the bad.. Just be strong use family and friends for emotional strength. She is not worth putting yourself through more pain.. Dont be down on your self that is a product of her continual emotional abuse.. Just pull your self up by the boot straps and carry on.. Trust me no matter how much you talk to her nothing will change.. Dont answer her calls or texts when you stop that you take away her power.. Just take it one day at a time and be strong, file for your divorce and it will turn the tables on her. If you need to talk you can always send post on here..
DeleteThanks Geoff.. What sets me back I think is the pain hurts so bad I can't even describe it.. I hurt my back and was on morphine patches for a few months.. I wish I had that pain back instead of this.. But I know the more I keep getting sucked into her traps the more I will keep hurting.. On top of this all she left me with a huge financial burden.. it's so bad that every payday my pay check isn't enough to get my account into a positive balance.. So I'm trying to focus on that too. But you guys gave me some good advice that is calm me down a bit. I have been waiting for her call about her decision on fixing our marriage or keep up a romance on facebook with someone in London. But I know what the decision is.. she is procrastinating, because she doesn't want to deal with telling me it's done.. So I was going through all this stuff I was going to tell her.. but your right it wouldn't mattered anyways.. probably just make me more upset.. I need to try to get some funds to start the divorce.. because that will be the closer.. how long did the pain start to subside for you?
DeleteGPS her and you will find out she has many lives, is a prostitute or drug dealer...
DeleteI lived the life, over 30 years until she left. Her exit was a direct result of me standing up...not taking her abuse anymore. I walked on eggshells, catered to her every wish, was withheld sexually by her...all the classic stuff. I didn't just answer yes to a couple of your questions, I answered yes to them all.
ReplyDeleteI realize I have a lot of healing to do...and she can still manage to hurt me. I have educated myself on NPD, extensively. I struggle with depression and a sense that I was duped and wasted my life. Since being away from the abusive treatment I see it 3D surround sound when she does it now...I used to just blow it off. When she decided to be nice I seemed to forget all the abuse I received only a day before. If your wife treats you this way understand this: you are disposable. She won't change, run. Run Forest run.
Yes I was married to mine for 30 years matter of fact she never even mentioned our anniversary. I always just thought she was a mean bitch.but like you said once you research and.get over the shock of it is realm your life then all the manipulation and projecting her behavior .and I always was amazed that what ever she would accuse me of .was exactly what she was doing or getting ready to do. And in my case it was always true she call you a liar .you could garunter she was lying or going to and accuse you of cheating she was cheating ..my wife tempted me and provoked me for 2years every day try to get me to hit her .she hadloaded her purse withwtist and ankle weights and attacked me at 3 am one morning it the first wack dropped me .she then hit me in the back of my neck and I thought if I dont get up she will kill me .so after 8 more wacks .some reason she ran into my daughters room . I told her not to go in and wake her up and I said why did you go in her room only to hear her Say.to show caitie what she wad doing she hit me several more times in the head and neck area. And then hopped in my daughters bed screaming and crying like my daughter wad doing
DeleteI didn't call police but after couple days I knew I had better .before she sets me up to looks like abuser
Man I could tell so many stories .whatbis so bizzar about it is how they all do and use the same tactics they are stuck at the age of their traumatic experience occurred either sever neglect or sexual abuse and they had no instruction and their development was stopped ...wstvh one of their personas will be that child before i research narcissism I would tell her that she was lile a six year old and childish in her behavio now her evil persona is here.and it can mimmic her other personas and the evil doer never allows any of the other one out .man this sounds so crazy and made up EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT IT IS COMPLETELY TRUE
the sad thing there are hundreds of more unusual and bizzar episodes that make up our life together .i had been trained by her to just except that I was at fault always .i knew i was NT but some how I would accept it .finally she cut me off sexually and I got to researching and every thing I typed in would take me to NPD.so I called her on her shit boy her mask came off and know for almost a year and its been full blown evil lying and hardship and she has not andd never will wear it for me again.im in a divorce she has lied to judge said her and my son needed protection from me
.she kiddnapped him on Las day of school I hard taken him to and from school all year and now suddenly I have to have supervised visits on Sunday for 3 hours they are ruthless liars they care for no one spouse children no one we are there only to be used abused and discarded by them .
It is pure demonic evil .i could go one forever but I wont now never ever believe anything they say and if they are being nice you can bet it is the calm before the storm .and the weirdest and.unuasual thing about I is if she told me she would stop and and she acted like she use to I would go right back .but I'm getting that problem seen about so I'm not to be dumped on again boundaries are needed by all thanks
Sorry to ramble but 30 years of abuse and conditioning will make you sound like you are the one that is sick you are just so excited that some one is listening so you want to tell I and it sounds confusing and hard to follow so again sorry I will just listen from now on
DeleteI am a female, but my life too has been dramatically affected by the poison that has been spewed on me, at the hands of a severely mentally narcissistic sociopath.
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DeleteI know not all cases will have all the criteria, yet I knew something seemed wrong a few years ago, but we have been dealing with some major, negative life issues from events from before we got together, so I dismissed it to normal human behaviour.
ReplyDeleteSince then other things have come to light (like accusing me of the potential of having an affair and I didn't praise her for the efforts she did to an issue from a previous relationship I was in) and so after deciding to first look for how tell if someone is bi-polar. I came accross Sociopathic.
Well, too many boxes were ticked for me to just feel like I hit the jackpot on understanding what has been happening. Yes my wife is Sociopathic.
I think these people have a disorder that is beyond their control, hence means they are 'Socially Disabled' so there should be some help for them, BUT,
the person who unfortunately gets mixed up in such a relationship, needs to move on because regardless of this 'Disability', no-one should be treated like this.
So many thanks to this site/blog as I have found this the best help for me.
Hello, I came across this post and I am going through the same thing. But worst part is we have kids involved in the matter. For over 8 years I have been with this woman. She was a few months pregnant when we met but that was okay with me i didnt care. I was 20 when we met she was 18 almost 19 so around the same age. Things seemed pretty good for the first few months we fell in love and than towards the end of the first year I found her cutting her wrists and getting wild. I stuck with her and figured it was something that could be worked with. Over the years she became just angry all the time it seemed. We have 2 boys as well. At the end when I gave up she was screaming all the time at the kids and me. Over the last few years she did cheat on me which hurt me even worse. I just basically dealt with it and figured that was the married and parent life. We have been broken up since june. We have been back and forth on fighting since she left. I already had full custody of the boys before she left. We are not yet divorced but hopefully some day soon. Now she is trying to fight for custody but recently agreed if she gets half the summer she is happy. She hardly talks to the kids and doesnt seem to care very much but sometimes will like maybe on a birthday. I have become to miss her greatly recently and have tried talking to her saying we could fix out problems with conseling and if we both give 100% she did not say no but did not say yes and just hurt me more. She moved with her crazy mother which is part of our problems in the 8 years. This is around 1400 miles away. I know that right after she left she has been in and out of a relationship I have attempted to move on but just cannot. I am toold it takes time but it seems anytime i start getting ahead we get into it either about the kids or something. I do not know what to do anymore. I am greatly depressed I feel as if my self worth is worth nothing I am very self conscious and feel extremely strong feelings for her. I would like nothing more than to work it out and be able to fix the relationship and raise the kids. From the sounds of it this is impossible to do. Do you guys have any advice?
ReplyDeleteYes! I would add that people reading this need to also explore Borderline Personality Disorder - three distinct phases for this type of person.
ReplyDeleteMy soon to be ex-wife sees everything as how it affects her - and being especially concerned with how it makes her look to others. I now have a restraining order on her and in the first two weeks my eyes started to open on just how dysfunctional life with her has been.
It's amazing how these people can get YOU to question yourself in every regard, and get you to serve them and their bizarre behaviors. They make you disregard yourself and think of only their wants and demands.
I do not wish any ills on her but I will be soooooo glad to be rid of her! If you are in a relationship like this you need to stop kidding yourself and GET OUT FAST! It will NEVER get better, only worse, and the sooner you get out the sooner you can work through the issues she's put in your head.
Yup... especially to the BPD suggestion.
DeleteWow and I thought I was so alone. I answered yes to almost every item on that checklist and have raised each of them with her many times in our 23 years together (13 married). I have even told her she is narcisistic just based on the simple dictionary meaning, but I never realised just how on the money I was untill reading this article and subsequent comments.
ReplyDeleteFor a long time my wife has controlled my social circle and always spoke and acted on my behalf with my family. She refuse to discuss issues relating to what I consider to innappropriate behaviour or comments on her part even though I have alway had to concede wrong doing just to get the ball rolling.
Any enquiry about her expenditure or decisions regarding the children are dismissed with a "fuck you I can do what I want!" If I challenge this she has always threatened to call the cops and tell them anything, then she'll take my kids, take my house and take my pay. She has even said that when she does this if I dont pay up then I am not a real man. For as long as I remember I have been told that I have no friends, my family hates me, no-one at my work likes me. She gloats if im feeling depressed often insisting to the children that "daddy doesn't care about you" has told me to just kill myself more times than I care to remember.
In private she is aggressive, abusive, controlling, dismissive, selfish and very self centred. In public she is cute, sweet, sociable, kind and outwardly engaging, even to me. Much of this behaviour though is very superficial and her conversations rarely provide insight or extend beyond small talk, at which she is an expert. She is able to switch her mood at will; often unleashing a barage of abuse and accusation in the car and then putting on her party face and walking into a social environment 30 seconds later as though nothing had happened. Whilst I'm left dwelling on the situation she will then take that opportunity to manipulate peoples impresion and tell them I'm just an angry prick.
My wife has now isolated me from my two daughters for 5 weeks now with whom I have a great relationship and not been apart from for any more than 2 days previously.
Whilst she allows us to speak on the phone each night it is clear they are suffering and I suspect the reason she is doing so is to give an appearance that she is doing all she can and also hoping that I will denigrate her so to justify cutting off all contact. She is now bringing up every incident from the last 20years and twisting it to defame my character with the hope that a court will not allow me access to my kids. She has made som 60 odd allegations all of which are comments out of context, half truths, exagerations, or blatent lies, with absolutlety no admission of any faults. She has attempted to trivialise my role as a father suggesting I have never had a significant role in their lives, even though I was primary carer of our oldest for two years and spent the next three or four doing morning whilst she did afternoons when we both worked. I have always been very involed with them and she is now using false concerns that I may abduct the children to justify keeping them out of school (where I am lawfully allowed to go and see them).
Its not over yet and I guess the moral of the story to any one that read this far is BEWARE THE NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH if they make threats believe them, record them, talk to the police about them, have it on record. These people are masters at manipulation, the cuter the more succesful. I just hope you read this before you wonder what happened, unlike myself.
And the sad part is we made a really good family and I can't not love her......
Whoa. I just in the past week realized what I'm dealing with. I feel enlightened, pissed, sad, scared and you name it. We have two girls and they are the ones that are waking up to something wrong with her too. I just see them freaking out at times and I'm afraid they will be like their mom. Don't know where this will go from here. I don't see it lasting long for us. We have been married for almost 14 years. My patience has worn out. In the past week I've heard F you (every other day), "I could be married to that guy", threats, "I hate you", etc... I was even punched one time in the mouth. I thought it was her hormones, period, bipolar, etc..but alas. NOT. I feel so much more power knowing the truth! The truth shall set you free... Been reading the Bible and praying for wisdom from God on all of this....it's arrived! Thanks guys...now ...the balls to get a divorce going...
DeleteChad, Terry, James-- all you guys who've been victimized by one of these NS females-- I am amazed at the almost unbelievable similarities of these types. So, the only part of my 12 year story ( on and off and several states away from her during our relationship) is that during the 5 hour drives I'd be making to be with her, she'd often call 3 to 5 times asking, " where are you now?" Several times I responded with, " why do you keep calling? I'm obviously on the way." " Oh, just wanted to know when I should start my bath water." We'll, in the LAST YEAR--number12-- found out she was calling to tell whatever guy she was in the sack with at the moment--/ how much time he had left before I arrived. Yes, and this is only a superficial scratch on what she did to
ReplyDeleteMy heart and mind... AFTER I finally read Chad's above post. I broke it off 5 months ago through making it impossible for her to EVER contact me again. My biggest problem, NOW, is trying to get over my self-directed anger for not following up on one suspicion after another.... And taking her verbal abuse all those years. I also despise her and try to conceive the best way for retribution--- there is none because nothing affects that totally self-absorbed, greedy, inability to love ANYONE except herself. One hope that karma will come into play, or " the proverbial screw will turn." But, truth is, this particular NS was married 4 times and, as with me, always had two or three sideline sexual affairs going on from her early twenties to her present age of 61. So , there is no change to expect will come--- the only change must be in us--- the victims!!! When you make it impossible for a NS female to contact you, you DO take away " some" of her power. But that's all. They lose no sleep over guilt , remorse, shame, or in self- examining their consciences. None! Their homicides leave men like the walking, living dead for a long time. Let us just pray for one another-- I refuse to pray for her!!!
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ReplyDeleteWow. I am so grateful to have come across this article. Thanks for sharing. Yes, my wife fits the bill, unfortunately. Though we are separated, I'm trying to juggle the love I still have for her with the need to protect myself, physically and mentally, from the insanity she brings. Some days I wish I could warn her boyfriend, but from what I've seen he has his own issues, so maybe the looming mushroom cloud is karma for both of them.
ReplyDeleteYour posting was like reading my own story. Actually, I am now married for the 2nd time to one of these hounds from hell - a tough lesson. Sometimes, I have to pinch myself to make sure that I did not became lost in some perpetual dream. However, I'm still trying my best, and hope - seemingly against overwhelming odds - that something can be salvaged from 22 years of ever-deteriorating anti-bliss.
ReplyDeleteI am in consultation with a psychologist, but these folks have there own restriction, based on text books and peer thought. For a spiritually free thinker who believes in the sanctity of nature and spirituality, it is not easy going as spiritual thought is not a topic in psychology textbooks.
Solomon had 1000 wives and he said in Ecclesiastes that not one of them could he trust. weaker vessels will always lie. if Sarah lied to preincarnate Jesus aka the angel of the lord, then expect it friends. women are here to teach us men how we left our first love many times. we feel gods pain of our idolatry by feeling the pain the women inflict on us. the lesson is this...do not worship a fickle emotional woman, but worship god. when she lies, cheats, and so forth do like god did to Israel. go find another one, but know Judah went into idolatry as well. the story will repeat itself, and that's why Paul stayed single, he knew soul winning was greater than some temporary pleasure. I'm just being real here. the truth is the truth...even if you do hate me for revealing it.
ReplyDeletencbookz, if you are seriously trying to suggest that this is merely a problem with "women" in general, then I have to say that (probably without knowing it) you are absolutely minimizing everything this man has gone through. I know his pain.
ReplyDeletemy 2nd husband.... sadly my son (his step son) has "inherited" this trait. i do confront him on it all the time. and my "mental illness" is in question? i'm not a danger to self or others! my mother is a narcissistic sociopath. i was away for 40+ years. in her face once again she hasn't changed, just packing a bible with which she uses to control, manipulate, judge etc. her partner of 30 years who i call "babyman", you all know the hell he is living with. grew up feeling i was not ok, defective, not ok to be me, unacceptable
ReplyDeleteunloved and unloveable. always trying to change me. thank GOD for Aunt Florence who made me feel like "i" mattered and was ok. my kid brother , i had refered to as "golden boy" and i find out that is the real term and that NS mothers to pick their fav. he is exactly like her. His partner is another NS hah there is a GOD and payback is a bitch! my heart goes out to all dealing with this these people. the experts say there is no cure, to RUN and NO CONTACT. save yourselves. yeah it is all about them!!!!!! lol
Today i Learnt about Narcissist. I've been married to my wife for 3 years and could never figure out her behavior in mood swings and all the horrible traits that comes along in this personality disorder. Can anyone help me in finding a possibilty in a cure or point me in the right direction so i can help her overcome her own delusional understanding of herself.
ReplyDeleteI've been in a relationship now for 3 yrs with a narciss-sociopath bi-polar women and have a kid.this has been the most hellish hardest experience I've ever dealt with in my life.you have to be extremely mentally tough not to lose your mind.and self control.falling into these unnecessary arguments.lying to her parents about me saying I'm abusive unhelpful self centered painting very false pictures of me to others important to me.telling my one year old daddy doesn't love you.telling me if I leave. other guys will raise my child.i actually got a domestic violence case on my record.she attacked me then called the cops saying I hit her!! Called her parents 2am screaming saying she doesn't feel safe in the house come get me all because I caught her red handed in a lie.any kind of criticism sets her off and you will pay for it! Phoniest women I've ever been with puts on a good act when in public.which sucks cause nobody knows what your going thru but you.mines actually in therapy and just yesterday confessed her doctor diagnosed her as a sociopath narcissist .which was a huge relief because I thought she was just a big overaged brat.glad to hear she's actually has something causing this.i moved out my own house to live with her and had a kid now feeling a little trapped.her father's rich and provides everything for her.after her parents heard we argued they told me to get out its not gonna work which I thought was a little unusual for parents to say so quickly.she found out she was pregnant at 7 months.her mother told me I she would of told her to have an abortion if they known sooner.i still didn't understand why they strongly believed it was unbendable.im the type to believe everything can be fixed if you do it right.but this shyt if freaking insane.im 26 own landscape company all the equipment lands all kinds of jobs strategically and never got a good job baby! Or nothing not even when I land big jobs with upscale clients.i get no credit.it sucks I shouldn't get more joy speaking with strangers.thank god I'm not married to her.although when I was in jail she told me if I don't marry her by the end of the year she's breaking up with cuz she's to old to be wasting her time.shes 32 I'm 26.she approached me or had her co worker give me her number she played miss perfect.i had no idea the road I was going down.im extremely mentally tough but this is quite the challenge.no way in hell I'm going to continue with this got a freaking year and a half probation domestic violence classes parenting classes.a and the fight started because i caught her lying about feeding the newborn.i just said if she ate where's the bottle.didnt see one in sight and she was crying her lungs out like she was hungry when I came home.she goes ballistic an flips it on me and attacked me.if u catch them ina lie they go nuts.i wasn't sure whether to stay or not but after reading your guyses post I know I need to just block her number and get joint custody and find a women that's gonna actually love you enjoy your thoughts and input care to be spooned or caressed.i don't get any sensual satisfaction from her.i like my chest rubbed and arms.she seems to spend all her time arguing with people on Facebook in the comments section arguing about Bologna that doesn't really matter.very low quality relationship get the heck out of it guys I'm absolutely positive it's the right decision don't second guess it your honestly better off by yourself then with one of these things.and of course you love her but then again you'll love anybody you spend this much time with..aslong as your not a n-s yourself.so move on I'm doing so since yesterday I know it's gonna be hard but it's a must please .I feel your guyses pain
DeleteThanks a lot Chad ...
ReplyDeleteI scored 16 out of 16, I met her in 2000 I had a breakdown in 2005 and am being treated for PTSD and dissociate amnesia we divorced five years ago and she still tries to involve me in her life, who knew?
ReplyDeleteAll the best
Alan
I have to say, thank you for this article. So many sites that talk about narcissists refer strictly to men, but female narcissists exist and they cut just as deeply,
ReplyDeleteThis was my ex wife. She needed control, acted like she hated me in private and was an angel in public (people were surprised when I told them our marriage was over), I believe she was lying to my during our marriage, she cheated on me then minimized it as "no big deal". This list goes on. Since the divorce, she has moved 200 miles away and I have the kids with me - thank you, God. Just yesterday, I was headed to the beach with my kids and I realized that in wasn't wearing a shirt. I'm a little overweight and she used to criticize me or make me feel insecure at the beach. We've been divorced over two years and I am, just now, starting to shed those effects. The scars will, I'm afraid, never go away. It'll take strength and courage to move on. We can do this.
This is a shocking revelation to me, although I've always suspected my ex-wife was very sick. I never new there was a name for it until recently. She was practically imprisoned and locked in her room by her parents as a teenager. She was very quiet most of the time and rarely talked to anyone but behind my back she would be at war with all the neighbors while I was at work.
ReplyDeleteIt's been 25 long years,and I can't believe I've been this patient and this stupid for so long to take all this abuse and manipulation for so long. The worst part is that there are still 5 children involved. What a nighmare. So far she's kicked one out for 2 weeks, she fought the 20 year old and had her locked up in jail for weeks.
She's a hoarder and a pig who never cleans anything and lives in squalor with the little one in a bedroom that's hard to believe anyone could sleep there for the roaches, mice, spiders and filth everywhere.
She also has an imaginary relationship for the past 10 years with her OBGYN who she stalks and harasses to the point that he sent a sherriff to the house to warn her to back off.
But according to one of her 5 psychics, his wife put him up to it and it's not coming from him. Not his idea because he truly loves her they tell her.
What a fucking nightmare I've been living. But by the end of this month I plan to blow this all out in the open. I've taken pictures of her room, and the house in shambles, recorded her stupid notion about her future life with her "boo" and the bitch is going downlike the Titanic.
She's abusive in every way and fits the NS description to a T. She starves her kids and hoards food for herself in her own fridge and doesn't share with anyone. She's foul, disrespectful and dangerous to everyone and hates all people,especially white folk. She's racist through and through.
She lives on the internet, on FB with 800 stupid so-called friend who "have her back," does psychic reading on me to prove that I'm evil and so on.
She's lost her mind but I'm going to protect my children who she has brainwashed against me. She's very sly and cunning and knows exactly how to manipulate those kids against me, spending all their SS money on clothes they never wear and a bunch of ridiculous toys, leaving no money left for food at the end of the month.
We all go to bed hungry and the kids can't even sleep for the hunger pains and tears and all she does is yell at them to be patient and wait for the next SS check to come in 2 weeks.
I've had enough! My children deserve a better life and I know they love her because they don't know any better but they're in danger of malnutrition because of her nonsense and reckless spending.
I hope DCF can set this straight for the last time. She's been reported twice before. Once by a neighbor,andonce by her father who calls his own daughter a monster. Well, he created that monster himself, she' his spitting image in every way.
God help us, this is going to be sad and painful, but it has to be done because I'm at my last hours and not sure what to do. I'm tryitn to avoid a tragedy so I must report her for the sake of my children.
ReplyDeleteI cannot believe this, my husband is back, i am grateful to see my husband returned with full force, Mr Robinson made this miracle to happen, Happiness has come to me at last, I am very pleased to say things are going well, I truly believe this spell has made difference in my relationship, Mr Robinson is truly gifted, I will recommend to anybody who's looking for a serious spell caster to cast a love spell him or her should contact this email robinsonbuckler@yahoo. com or call Mr Robinson 00919715126745 , he wont disappointed you if you ask him to help you. All I want to say is that this spell caster MADE MY DREAMS COME TRUE.
Anna Giovanniu
Bullshit
DeleteIf it's any consolation to those who are kicking themselves because they feel like they "should have known better" than to put up with narcissistic abuse, I may be eligible for "poster child" status. I am a psychotherapist who was recently kicked to the curb by my bubbly,beautiful,sweet,charming now ex-wife of 27 years (also a psychotherapist). We'd been together a total of 29 1/2 years after meeting and working together for 6 months before we started dating. We even had a practice together and did co-therapy with couples.
ReplyDeleteTo make matters even worse for me (as far as beating myself up), I had over the 24 years of having my own private practice taken a special interest in studying personality disorders. I would say studying object relations theory (often applied in attempting to treat personality disorders) is the equivalent of calculus, and some of my colleagues would call me for consultation when dealing with their "tough" or "confusing" cases.
Now that my ex has abruptly and cruelly discarded me, I realize I had been trapped (by myself really)in a very long up and down cycle of idealization followed by devaluation and then back to idealization throughout the course of our relationship. In a way, it's kind of fascinating (and sad) for me to look back and see how I was able to rationalize and excuse my ex's bad behavior - which as indicated in many of the posts on this site - were usually saved for private moments when she was alone with me. If she wasn't blaming me for her mercurial outbursts and cheap shots when I least would have expected them, I was blaming myself just to hold our family together.
The final sadistic discard started for me when my ex stopped drinking and started going to AA 3 years ago. Then about 1 1/2 years ago, a male neighbor (also an AA member) started showing up at our barn to help my ex-wife clean her horse stalls...and by the way, I invested about $250K of my inheritance in a small horse farm for "us" and office for our practice. Then I noticed that he started picking her up and taking her to meetings. Of course, I was reassured that they were "just friends". So basically she had an affair and basically rubbed it in my face.
Then in November of 2014 - she supposedly got her hormones adjusted and experienced a heightened sex drive. We were literally having sex every day for 3 months. Since she was "loving it" and we had had many periods of sexual drought (which would often be blamed on me for not being "connected" enough emotionally with my ex), I went with it. Then after 3 months of the best sex we'd ever had, my ex abruptly tells me that she wants a separation and that she was trying to make me love her the way she needed to be loved. Of course, I never could meet her love standard. I now realize that she was manipulating my emotions as she readied herself for sadistic glee as she dropped me abruptly and very hard on my head.
I never would have guessed that my sweet and beautiful wife (an therapist on top of that) would tell our kids things like "I married your Dad because I felt sorry for him" and "Your father is demeaning to women."
Then she really showed me how mean and cruel she could be when she arranged to have me involuntarily committed to a psychiatric hospital. If that's not bad enough, she called the police on our 20 year old son for voicing his displeasure with her behavior and he was committed the same week I was. What are the odds of 2 people from the same family with no significant psychiatric history being hospitalized in the same week? I wouldn't think the probability would be very high. I'd had a pretty sedate and predictable life until recently, but now I think I might be "Jerry Springer" material. For those who are getting out sooner than I did, consider yourself fortunate!
Amazing story...I thought that I must have been the dumbest man I had ever met, but now I can see that this scam can be pulled on even those who are aware of sociopaths and their behavior. Sorry for your abuse, but am glad that you got out.
DeleteWaw! I answered YES to 95% of the questions. In the beginning I believed that I married the perfect girl. then after the marriage the mask fell down. I couldn't believe how she could turn things around and justify everything even when it's clearly her own mistake! she would never ever ever admit that she did something wrong but would say: you got angry not because of what I said but because you haven't seen your kids for a while! and so on!
ReplyDeleteShe has a way to irritate me and when I react back she accuses me of being impolite! also being humiliated in public or in front of her mother, kids, she has no red lines. the bottom of the line is that this relation drains the life of out me and I end up doing nothing but waiting for the next bomb to explode which could be for a very stupid issue like forgetting to raise the toilet seat (once in a million) or something similar. I envied other couples for being able to have normal conversations or even misunderstandings and getting over it, but with us it's hell. Whenever I do something that is not up to her standards she turns her back and it's the usual punishment (her favorite) : the silence treatment. and she does this not only with me but with her kids also.
Its too much to bare, at the end I have no choice but to bail out with whatever sanity is left.
Hello, thank a lot for this article and all your posts. I lived 9 years with her. I have so much to say and everything match. I am 28 years old and I have a 6 years old son. I moved to my parents house after the worst break up I could imagine. During all this 9 years I never did any research. I knew there was weird stuff about her but because we were a family,I just moved on with our life. I met her in high school, she was from the Caribbean. A mysterious, shy, sweet, lovely girl. She was different from the other French girl that I knew. I have so much to say that it will take too long to write but to resume it was a live bombing for 2 years, inconsistencies with her past and the person that she was with me.. dramatic events in her past... She got pregnant, want ed to keep the kid, got married at 20's..parents at 21. Studies over..And we were already struggling with money. Than things started to change, her attitude, comportment... Even if there was stuff before that raise the flag but I was young and in live. She started to blame, critic,.exigeant. for me it was because of her pregnancy and after stress of being a mom..we moved to the Caribbean... And things went crazier and crazier over the years... Her unstable mother, she spent over budget, always seeking compliments and attention, she used her own entourage for everything.. She spend on herself from my father heritage, call the cops 3 times on me, locked me out of the house, broke my laptop with all my work, my cellphone, critic my family and friends, couldn't get any conversation with her or say something to her, she said that I was lazy, a poor victim, bad memories, poor decision maker, a dog, an asshole... And so on .. She convinced me to get a vasectomy at 24. She got her many presents..for her and our kid.. I always felt that I was following her, her way of thinking and life. After she evicted me out of the house, I moved back to France. And bring them back a year. Thinking that it would work out and change. It didn't... I will pass thi year and say the end. It was like a grand final.. 2 month of cheating, manipulating, lying. All my life collapsed.. lost 14 pounds, had to quit my studies and move back to my parents house with our son... Still as today, I am broken a part... I am confused, depressed with PTSD. It's like I forgot who I was and still addicted of her... I feel lost and rethink of all this 9 years.. it could've never work.. Even if I tried and tried... If you meet her..She is a beautiful, smiley, dynamic and fun women. That play between the sweet, innocent girl and the independent and very driven " birch" she has a strong sex drive and weird sexuality...She loves to dress and do exciting stuff don't like to be bored. She let you talk and star at you. She has a dramatic past but seems doing good and enjoy life. People would do anything for her. She tells and never ask or say trully thank you. She can seems immature sometimes but is very driven and in control. There's is so much say..the list is very long.... Well, thanks a lot for all the posts..it's vet hard to recover from that... I wish I could say more..there is so many things... I still have a hard time to recover..And I imagine all you guys know what I am talking about. Anyway, I wanted to share to you all , a part of my life experience with her. Thank you
ReplyDeleteSorry for the grammar faults and misspellings... Also, I 'll love to speak about this with other people, maybe do some videos about it... Life continues, I don't feel like I can talk anymore to my friend and family, I don't think they really understand how it feels like.. I feel that I am stuck on the sidewalk of the road and it's hard to move forward.. And I try everyday..it's has been 4 months since The relation was ended..
DeleteOh my God! I have been a member here for over a year now. Reading ur post sent chills through me. I have always told her that it is so easy to know what she is doing because she accuses me of the same thing. I am trying very hard to get away from her entirely and it is not easy because we have 2 young daughters (4 & 5). She has me homeless and on a friend's couch right now and looking at a probation revocation a week from tomorrow. A probation I am on because of her. I need some help before this completely destroys me!
ReplyDeleteI lucked out. She got bored and frustrated with me and walked out. She also left one minor child. She thought i was going to leave. Bull, I told she needed to go ASAP! The people hate when you stand up for yourself. She met with me and my pastor and was class A psycho, way off base for a Christian. No remorse, didn't give a flip about leaving a 23 year marriage. The ex is everything you described. I answered yes to every question for the abused spouse. Yesterday, went to the attorney for complaint of separation. Next, all her crap will be dumped at her place of employment. You see, theses freaks like to hide and keep facts about their lives secret. I almost want to protect her too. But, no more. It will be a grand display when I back the truck up and dump it. I'm hurting, I'm devastated. These women are out there. 23 years!!!! I should've left long ago. But my God is vindicating me. I gave and raised her two children from previous marriage and the children we had. Those stepkids claimed me as their real father too.I basically supported her as she climbed the ladder of "success", good riddance is what I told her in front of my pastor and his wife. It's really tough and guess what. I don't own anything. All the marital assets will be sold to pay off debt. I tried to make this work, but of course it was all my fault as she had to "drag" me to counseling. She rolled her eyes each time the counselors would suggest a plan. The plan was beneath her high level of intelligence.The plans also consisted of meeting each other's emotional needs. Ha ha ha ha, they can't do that plan. I'm not taking any responsibility and I am so happy that she left me! I'm fighting this cause pay back for my effort to helping her will be my justice.
ReplyDeleteWish I did not know what everybody is talking about but I am in same boat as all of you. I am so lost nobody can help. Dreaming of that soon to be day when I can spend it away form the triple headed monster that is always PMSing was a marine nothing compares to this. I wish I could go crazy seems easer than real life with her
ReplyDeleteHi guys I feel for you all, I have two kids with one of these rats! She has all the traits mentioned and I didn't realise what I was up against until the day she completely slandered my family and myself because I wanted my family to see my daughter on her birthday. We had the same fall outs on special occasions every year but this was the one that made me say f you! Total control freak. I was not innocent in our relationship I slept with her bridesmaid but to be fair she left me about 20 times as well as mental physical and cerbal abuse. It was like living with a witch on steroids. I did love her God knows why I think her beauty betrayed what was under the mask. She did have good qualitys but they were fake and tools for manipulation and control. Every time I wanted to end the relationship I would get a barrage of threats that could cripple my good nature! This time though I thought to hell with it and I exposed her nasty abusive text messages that I used to receive on a daily basis. I have went through hell as this has broken our family but she used the kids to hurt me at the beginning until she realised she needed free childcare to go out and be slag. These women need a warning sign burnt into their foreheads they are life wreckers and don't give two hoots about anyone else in life. I built a great stable family home for us all worked ever so hard to be discarded like a piece of shit. Yes I cheated and I regret that but at the same time I was not happy and felt trapped. I wanted out but she took me back and I went for the sake of my kids and never stepped out of line again. These women use your weaknesses to break you but be strong guys the tide will change and you will be happier I'm feeling some relief now and hope that keeps growing. Narcissistic sociopaths are the epitomy of evil and should be avoided like the plague even if they do look great. One night stand material not wife material. Move on guys you can do it I can do it we are better than these cretins.12 years wasted apart from my kids but I now fear she will screw them up no end.
ReplyDeleteSorry my grammar is poor guys, I should have added she cheated on me multiple times so banging her bridesmaid was payback! Take that you evil troll I'm so glad I'm almost free from the abuse apart from a life of hell co parenting now. I can't wait until the mask falls again and believe me it def will. 🙄
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ReplyDeleteLet her go , she is having sex with a guy in her home town not just talking to a guy in Europe , she is a whore , get out now , I was married to one for 21 years .. She was having sex with our pastor and his brother and she also did it with woman . She is insane , I'm with a great girl now , it will get better , me and my new girlfriend laugh about bat shit crazy x wife all the time .. And they will get worse not better ..
ReplyDeleteI put my real name so people that know me know who I am talking about .. Listen I was a so called bad boy , army veteran , x con what have you I did it , I'm not pretending to be high and mighty , she briught me to church to try and change me and our family but I found out after our seperation abd nor divorce that she screwed half the congregation men and influenced woman into lesbian sex , her name know is Marilys Velez , she lives in pompano beach and marred the pastor Samuel Velez , I hear she has already been unfaithful to him by a mutual friend she has , they have to tell somebody about their conquest or they don't get nothing out of it , it's pure destruction of everything in their path .. Hey guys , we will be alright just be careful with the new girls we meet and test the bitches out first , try them out in situations and if they go bat shit crazy , dump and move on to the next .. Plenty of nice good woman out there ..
DeleteHi. Its 2016. I hope someone still responds.
ReplyDeleteIm married to a woman who within the last 3 years has:
* hit me with a car causing a brain haemorrhage
* insulted my family, job, intellect, everything
* torn down the wallpaper at my house
* forced me to stop her from committing suicide on multiple occasions
* bled all over my floors
* recently stabbed me in the arm with a knife
* simply smoked a cigarette while I lay bleeding and unconscious (Insurance company showed me the CCTV video)
You might be wondering why I would ever stay with her. I was caught in this stupid cycle of being guilt-shamed, accepting that I had this responsibility to help/save her, that I would not be a man if I left.
I think Im just awakening now and realizing everything for what it is. Now, years later, I find myself with no contacts, misunderstood by both families, just feeling lost..
Dear Unknown,
DeleteI'm sorry to hear what you're going through. Unfortunately narcistic people are very addictive. They are experts at getting you hooked on them. They slowly destroy your self worth and make you believe that you cannot live without them.
There is no cure, and drugs don't seem to help much either. You need to keep telling yourself that everything is false and that person never really existed. It was all an act. I'm sorry.
I too have been involved with personality disorientated persons. They are experts at manipulation, making it look like it's all your fault.
I really hope that God exists and one day they will be accountable for their evilness.
Agree I hope they one day die and all there bad behavior is brought to the light
DeleteThe problem is they will never recieve enough from man. They have to devalue to justify their own sickness. The truth is in the actions and always will be.
ReplyDeleteFrom one man
DeleteI too am a victorious survivor of Ms. Dracula. The world is already trying enough noone needs one of these creatures to make it challenging beyond human comprehension.Bitch Bye
DeleteI too am a victorious survivor of Ms. Dracula. The world is already trying enough noone needs one of these creatures to make it challenging beyond human comprehension.Bitch Bye
DeleteFrom one man
DeleteGood to know its not all the product of my fevered imagination as she puts it. Im in love with the hologram, not the reality Not one word can be believed, not even the ones you want to. Just a fucking nightmare
ReplyDeleteOh, God. I am starting to see how my new husband was abused by a woman like this. She has now latched on to me.
ReplyDeleteThis is what I've been looking for. My ex husband married a sociopath. I've searched the web for ways to deal with it, but I can't find anything. It's awful what she does to my children as my ex husband sits back and watches and does nothing. She will do anything to cause drama - I can't tell you how many times she has forced my ex to drag me back to court. I keep thinking, you won. You got him. Leave me alone. But nope. My mere existence enrages her. I even moved away, but that didn't help. I'm happy - and she HATES that. I used to think it was my ex husband who was the problem, but I'm realizing now that he's probably just terrified of her or of upsetting her. According to my children, he IS scared of her. It's so sad. Wish there was more out there on this to help.
DeleteOk, mine started out perfect. We were both in bad previous relationships. I knew this was the one. We've been together 12 years. Mostly all good. Financially we've struggle the last few years. Few months ago I caught her talking to someone on Facebook I had asked her not to, because of previous experience. She went off. Said she needed space. Would leave for a couple nights a week. Come back. Leave again so on and so on. Wouldn't tell me she loved me or anything. Had sex occasionally. I began talking to someone. Went out and had coffee a couple time. Really liked this lady. My wife finds out I'm not just waiting around on her, so she decides she wants to come back and make it work. I left. For two weeks, staying with this other woman. After I cleared my mind I decided I needed to be back home with my family. Now of course she doesn't want anything to do with me. After begging me days before, now that I'm here and wanting to work it out. She doesn't. It's because of the pain I put her through. No aspect of what she did to me.
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ReplyDeleteIt's crazy. My ex who I was engaged to for 4 years, literally fits all of this. Well, about 98% of it. Almost all symptoms except the mood swings. She was never angry or anything. I was her puppet and she was the parasite. She left me for someone she met online with hardly a reason for. What she did say sounded like excuses to leave. I helped raise her son as my own and I love him. She didn't care that I still do and obviously didn't care that he loved me too. She doesn't let me have any contact with him for LITERALLY no reason. She's the one who hurt me, but tells her new husband's family lies about me, making me seem like the bad one. I can go on and on. I guess i'm not alone in this type of situation...
ReplyDeleteOh my God: You were married to my Ex!!!! lol
ReplyDeleteOh my God: You were married to my Ex!!!! lol
ReplyDeleteHello all
ReplyDeleteIt looks like there is a particular breed of wives and mine belongs to the same club. My wife has been getting drunk ever so often and she beats me up and abuses me and all my people all the time. She has isolated me completely from all my relatives and friends for 5 years now and I feel so ashamed that I have been unable to stand up for myself . I genuinely want to help myself and come out of this mess of a marriage. But I feel trapped and unable to look after myself and my interests anymore. She has called the cops on me several times before and I have been arrested twice already. But I keep going back to her. I am extremely down and desperately looking for someone to convince me what I already know. I really want someone or something to make me take that final step. Guys who have left your narcisstic exes, please share how you guys finally escaped.
Hey Unknown, listen bro - this will definitely be the hardest thing you've ever gone through - it's a struggle to break free from the trauma bonding that you've been programmed with from her crazy bullshit...the constant need of her validation, the repeated gas lighting, making it seem as if you're the crazy one and as if you're the one to blame, the withdraw of all emotion, love, sex, etc., with a sprinkle of crumbs of that same superficial emotion, love, sex, etc. a few weeks later after she's already been with other guys - it all keeps us off balance.
DeleteI kicked my ex wife out 3 times and she left on her own twice, but the last time I finally just could not take it no more, and convinced myself I have all the closure that I needed. I told her to pack her shit and get the hell out and to not be there when I get home from work. I changed the locks and I just stopped playing her game - that's the ONLY way we win - to NOT play! As long as we play, we are on the losing end. And by this I mean stop reacting to everything and anything - EVERYTHING and ANYTHING! You are no longer obligated to let her know how you feel, or how much she hurt you - she DOESN't care!
Remember, she has no limits, no boundaries that she will not cross. Remember during heated arguments and fights, she'd throw the most intimate, most personal, most hurtful things about us or our past, right back in our faces? If we upset her, so what...she has to go where we won't, so it's all phony - she DOESN'T care! She doesn't care if you throw something hurtful in her face, in fact, she'll laugh in your face if you tell her how she hurts you - the more hurtful the better. So I changed my number, and she started emailing me. I blocked her from my email and she started calling me at work and when I blocked that she would show up. But I finally had the courage to not pick up, not listen to the messages, not call back, nothing! If you want to get back at her for all the that she put you through - this is the only way because she will CRINGE at the fact that you actually took your balls back and moved on. She'll think to herself how could she let you slip away from being under her control and she'll be upset that she cannot control you anymore and have her thrills while you just turn the other cheek, because now she has to find another, and find another she will.
Trust me man it's going to be the hardest thing you ever do but it'll be worth it. I dont even think of my ex anymore unless I'm reminded of her by a thread like yours or if an old friend asks about her. Man I am so happy now, but if you were to rewind the clock to let's say a year ago, man you would've thought I was going to kill myself - becasue I actually did have suicidal and homicidal thoughts. But hang in there and take it one day at a time, seriously man salvage what's left of your brooken dignity and start to rebuild yourself. Here we were - thinking we were such good men, tkaing care of what we're supposed to be taking care of, and all they did was break us down to the size of a grape, and it takes time to rebuild our confidence and self-esteem back up but we will. We have your back, you're not alone.
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ReplyDeleteI am currently living with my wife and all the turmoil, of cheating, serial denials, and pathological lies. She's really suffering from this disorder as it seems to me. It's the closest disorder that I've ever found that describes her issues. She has me cornered and taking every advantage that she has over me. Her working, while I'm trying to establish my physical disability. Our home, we just bought, bills in which it was found she was hiding money for her lover. And most of all, our children. I feel I'm actually gonna die losing it all. She had taken my son yrs ago, when he was only 2mths old and we were just boyfriend and girlfriend. 7yrs later she gave me this song and dance how things changed with her. But she has stooped to all-time lows and done some of the most heinous and damaging things. Losing my son and my life going down all over again is unimaginable to me, and outright disturbing. Not doing anything wrong and her being driven mad and hateful for trying to be about the betterment of my family. This is only a yr in. She made all the disadvantages we have now and says how much she hates our life. Is there any proven help and change that could turn anything around at its worse point. I'd seek whatever advice. She's so withdrawn and turns it all around on me. Hates me for it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'd like to know if there will be a petition or something that we can sign or post for that would try to help shape the imbalance that women like this is still favored in custody of the kids and through divorce. I'm so cornered, that even the impossibility of actually winning in divorce is still a huge lost. I would have my sanity and peace of mind, and kids having a stable home but there'd be little to no room to advance. I wish as crazy as the thought is, that my wife could just stop and turn her attitude around. I'm seeing this as an incurable sickness and no options at all.
ReplyDeleteThere is no widely-accepted treatment that is effective for persons with ASPD. There is no medication approved to treat ASPD (although people with ASPD often suffer from co-morbid disorders that can be treated through various medications). This is a truth we must all face. There is no cure, and it appears to me that after a certain point, perhaps around the age of 25 when the brain fully develops, the key characteristics of the disorder (meanness, impulsivity, and boldness) actually get worse over time, not better. After a certain age, a sociopath/psychopath can only become a better and stronger sociopath/psychopath, i.e. better at lying, hiding, deceiving, self-delusion, manipulation, exploitation, cruelty, cheating, and just "getting away" with whatever it is they decide they want to do at any given moment. Trying to help a sociopath/psychopath after a certain age merely empowers them to be more vicious than they were before. That's why a number of people suggest NOT pressuring a sociopath/psychopath to get therapy. The therapist becomes just another enabler and often merely helps the sociopath/psychopath learn better strategies for "getting away" with their self-centered behavior and aids in teaching their "poor, sad patient" how to explain away and better project their cruel behavior onto others--usually the very people who have tried to help and love them.
ReplyDeleteI have been with an ASPD sufferer for 24 years, so I can attest to how addictive they are and how hard it is to break away from them. My own experience (19 years of marriage, 19 separations, two divorce filings--one of which is currently pending) is certainly not a model that I'd recommend others follow, but I have learned a great deal. The main thing that we must all learn is that the sociopath/psychopath will never change. In fact, from my experience, it seems clear that their behavior actually gets WORSE over time.
For what that's worth ...
-Laelth
Addictive my ass you love that women so it's hard to leave I can't get addicted to the emotional abuse
DeleteAddictive my ass you love that women so it's hard to leave I can't get addicted to the emotional abuse
DeleteAfter 10 years of marriage I too am married to a narcissistic psychopath. I'm a woman though not a man. His 40 years older and stole me away at 18 while he was staying in my old home with my parents as their Guest. I don't mean it in an arrogant cocky way but I'm actually quite attractive. I have many men that look at me. He likes that but at the same time he tries to put me down and make me feel ugly and completely worthless. He tells me that nobody wants me and I should kill myself. Then he flips a switch when I've balled my eyes out. As long as I'm a doormat we're fine. I just pray God helps me. I really need help.
ReplyDeleteHello everyone,
ReplyDeleteI've been going through something very similar. I strongly believe that my ex wife of 5 years has borderline personality disorder and strong narcissistic tendencies. The best way I can describe my entire marriage is having to constantly pick my jaw up off the floor after listening to the words that have left her lips. She's a classic alcoholic too and I survived over 8 black outs for 6 + hours through out our marriage. She was arrested and taken away in hand cuffs in front of our 2 yr old son for physcially assualting me, drawing heavy blood. After our separation, she move 140 miles away and left me with our son while she harrassed and tormented me on a daily basis by making me believe my neighbors, friends and family were spying on me for her. I've been openly suicidal in the past and knowing that, she has told me to kill myself with veracity, multiple times. Whenever I've brought it up she then shifts the focus to how I'm just a big baby who can't handle the real world. She now has custody of my son and has been trying to extort me for 2500 per month, just to take care of our 1 child. Whenever I've threatened to fight her in court for custody, she threatens to destroy my life and leave me in ruins. I hate her more than I've hayed anyone. I can't beleieve people like her exist under such a heavy vail. I need help because otherwise I might just take my life if she gets her way. She's dragging this out and after nearly 1 year of separation, she still won't sign the divorce papers.
Hello everyone,
ReplyDeleteI've been going through something very similar. I strongly believe that my ex wife of 5 years has borderline personality disorder and strong narcissistic tendencies. The best way I can describe my entire marriage is having to constantly pick my jaw up off the floor after listening to the words that have left her lips. She's a classic alcoholic too and I survived over 8 black outs for 6 + hours through out our marriage. She was arrested and taken away in hand cuffs in front of our 2 yr old son for physcially assualting me, drawing heavy blood. After our separation, she move 140 miles away and left me with our son while she harrassed and tormented me on a daily basis by making me believe my neighbors, friends and family were spying on me for her. I've been openly suicidal in the past and knowing that, she has told me to kill myself with veracity, multiple times. Whenever I've brought it up she then shifts the focus to how I'm just a big baby who can't handle the real world. She now has custody of my son and has been trying to extort me for 2500 per month, just to take care of our 1 child. Whenever I've threatened to fight her in court for custody, she threatens to destroy my life and leave me in ruins. I hate her more than I've hayed anyone. I can't beleieve people like her exist under such a heavy vail. I need help because otherwise I might just take my life if she gets her way. She's dragging this out and after nearly 1 year of separation, she still won't sign the divorce papers.
Hi gents, I am shocked at all your stories! I am 50, first serious relationship was a total sociopath, abused by dear old dad from 6-8, then in her demented sick mind, she took her power back by seducing him for money. This bitch has beded close to. 200 men,has self mutilated her body,gone on a rampage of sex, alcohol and drugs! She has absolutely no shame, guilt or remorse ever!! The only way I was able to escape was, she got bored with me and found a better victim. Second one was a psychological liar. Third one was a narcissistic Psycho and the third one I found 22 years after the first was also a sociopath! Only. Advantage I had was, I already know and could predict her future actions!! I think for some of us men, these sickos can sense that a part of us is needy!!!
ReplyDeleteHi Everyone.
ReplyDeleteI have been going through this for quite some time now. Im in my relationship for 5 years now and married for 3 1/2 years. Every one of the above statements describes my wife. It has got really bad the last 2/3 months. She has moved out recently to her mom (Dont expect it to be long though) with her 2 girls. I dont know what to do. She has my bank card and my car. I really am lost for words at the moment
Thank god for these stories. I was with my narc for 23 years,right from the start i knew something was not right. She was very pretty,fun to be with,she seemed to adore me. But as the years went by all hell broke lose! Everytime i went anywhere i would receive 30,40,50 abusive texts accusing me of everything,she would constantly pilfer money from me,she would break up my belongings and when i said something about it she would say it was me that made her do it,she would say nasty things and then turn around and say that she never said that,i did,she never listened to a word i said but some one at her work,or her friend could tell her the identical thing and it was them who helped her,not me,she would ALWAYS involve our kids in our arguments,making me out to be the abuser and poisoning them against me,we went on numerous awesome holidays but when we returned she would pick the smallest negative and that would end up being the whole holiday,talk about negative,thats all she did,i could have a joke with her but apparently i was always putting her down,i gave her everything,she had a nice car,we had a nice home,she never went without.But this wasnt good enough,she always compared us with everyone else and we should have had more. She tried getting me the sack from work,she had me kicked out of my own home for 12months all on a lie. I was always told it was me that had to change. She has left me now and on shattered,i dont know why. She had taken all my self worth,self esteem,told everyone how bad she has had it. I just dont get it,i know i will be much happier without her but right now i feel like i still need her. HELP ME PLEASE
ReplyDeleteSorry man. Sounds similar to my story. We just have to just push forward and look for better days ahead. Easier said then done as I'm still trying to figure it out.
DeleteMy wife is exactly as chad described. She has left me and reported me to the police as an abuser (they did not accept it). I feel she has given a great gift - i.e. I do not miss her and feel that I have the best chance in my life for real love. She taught me everything it is not and how important it is to love others and yourself. Now I am free and the constant negativity is gone and she has given me the strength to keep it out of my life from everyone who exhibits this type of impact in your life. I am more happy now - even thought I am very sick from the stress I allowed from her. Happiness and laughter are healing and I am hopeful one day I will have the rest of my life back.
DeleteSame here , addiction to her abuse . Dont take her back without her getting help , stand firm!
DeleteI have been married to a Narcissistic Sociopath for 15 years. She hid it well for the half of our marriage. The second half has been hell for me, the kids, and anyone that has crossed her path. Thank you for writing about your experience and opening our eyes.
ReplyDelete... and the family court is their playground.
ReplyDelete... and the family court is their playground.
ReplyDeleteI think this personality type is encouraged in the modern world? We have two in our family, wives of my son and my stepson. Both men, now in their mid-forties, are suffering depression as a result ... and we are powerless to help them. I was very grateful to find this blog! It explains the troubles we have experienced in family communications and events, clarifies my observations over many years, and gives me more confidence in my gradually accumulated diagnosis! Of course nobody who only has contact with the charming birthday-present-and-party woman will ever see the manipulative selfishness (and chaos) underneath. In one of our cases we always thought we were watching an idyllic marriage until a sudden staggering explosion of misplaced wrath from my stepson enlightened us. In my son's case I have noticed many small signs over 10 years, but always blamed myself for being a bad mother-in-law ... or being silly! How could such erratic selfishness, surely the stuff of novels, occur in real life? But I am afraid it does, and one promising career has probably been ruined for lack of a basic supportive homelife.
ReplyDeleteAnd I must add (sorry I had to scroll back for his name) ...
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU, Chad Walker!
I do hope you are still looking at this blog after seven years to see how many of us are grateful to you?
My ex wife destroyed me being like this after being together for over 17 years ,married almost 16 years.I never saw it coming! Its like she flipped a switch at times. When she was done with me she became hurtful not only to me but everyone in our lives.Friends and family tried to help and she'd cut them out which also included her own family.Hard for others to relate or understand the damage they do. Its been two years and I'm still severely depressed and trying to heal. It's complete hell and i wonder if i will ever recover
ReplyDeleteIt is unbelievable that these demonized females exist they wreck lives...only God can help us most times...
ReplyDelete....Have you met my wife of 9 months? that's how quick it can happen yet still feel like a 'frog in a pot of water'
ReplyDeleteThank you.
I read through the definitions of Narcissistic and Sociopathic, but neither of those completely fit. Narcissistic more so for my wife and Sociopath more so for me, but neither seems a good fit for either.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the list of questions at the end I feel I can honestly answer almost all of them with a yes. Is there another diagnosis that might fit better or do they only have to meet a few of the definitions to be considered having the condition?
Thanks so much Chad! This blog changed my life. Really good information. I tried to research 'how to help a narcissistic sociopath' but there is very little info on that!!
ReplyDeleteThe best thing I did find which totally has worked (i think) is the arguing technique of not allowing the argument to move away from the original point. We know how every argument ends up with us being the bad guy. Since employing this technique below my wife has had to 'give in' and accept my stance! First time ever in 15 years!!!
E.G "babe I want to take the kids t see their Grand parents this weekend"
- No.
"I'm just taking the kids to see their grandparents"
- You know I don't like your parents, why are you bringing this up now. I don't want you to.
"I'm just taking the kids to see their grandparents"
- Why can't you back me up on this? Your father yelled at me. You never support me you always side with them...
"I'm just taking the kids to see their grandparents"
- Dont push me on this, they saw your parents last month. The kids don't care if they see your parents or not. You are making this worse by trying to pressure me!
"I'm just taking the kids to see their grandparents"
...
You see how it works, not a good example perhaps but just keep bringing the argument back to the key point. And dont give in.
The other reason things have got a LOT better with me and my wife is i got to the point where I was fully prepared to ring the police (If she got violent again) or call my lawyer and deal with the horrific aftermath of us breaking up. I had tried really hard to be honest with her and tell her things were not OK and that I wasn't happy and that I thought we needed counselling for the last 10 years! She would not have a bar of it. Once I was prepared to leave and finally prepared to carry the argument on for 4-6hours and just keep bringing it back to the key point. She has completely turned around.
It is actually really unsettling! i actually feel like she does love me now?! She is going out of her way to be (genuinely) nice, helpful, caring!!! This is stuff I just totally don't expect.
So i should be jubulent right? Finally i have the beautiful wife I've always wanted! Unfortunately she arrived a few years too late. I have already emotionally left. I've been faking it for years for the kids so i can comfortably keep faking it... but i know this can't last for ever.
She has always been a great mum. Thats why i stuck with her. I do believe now the kids are better off with her than without her.
But now i feel guilt for staying with her and pretending to love her - before I just felt resentment - resentment was sooo much nicer!
Anyway - thanks Chad. And people - if dealing with these sorts of people a) talk to a lawyer/councelor - get prepared to leave. b) don't let arguments get away from the key point. Just have a very simple stance you want to take and keep bringing it back to that.
All the best!!
I am so glad that I found this blog now I know I am not alone. I have no phone, no friends and my relatives have distanced themselves from me. I fear I will never get away. My seven year old son has made me promise I will not leave. I feel so powerless. I tried suicide in front of her a few years ago and she brought me back through CPR in order to continue terrorizing me. It's just gets worse all of the time.
ReplyDeleteIn addition she is so elegant and sweet with others that no one would ever believe she is the way she is with me.
ReplyDeleteI said a big fat yes to every single trait on both lists as well as the abused spouse checklist!
ReplyDeleteI am so amazed, and heartened, and empowered to have found all these other people with stories just like mine. How could I have been so blind all this time?
The pure madness of my marriage of 8 years to a sociopath is too exhausting to detail, and I could honestly go on forever about it. It's complicated because I have been no saint through it all and brought a lot of my own demons into the marriage early on and spoilt things a lot. I felt profound remorse and did everything I could to express this and rectify things. This has made it very confusing for me to know where the line is between the consequences for my wrongdoing and her severe emotional abuse. These days, there is no longer any confusion. She is a sociopath, plain and simple. It is truly disturbing the levels of extreme degradation we can normalize after prolonged exposure and because we're so deeply in love with someone and/or lust after them. I have reached the conclusion over and over again that it is NOT good enough, it is NOT acceptable in any sense for a human being to behave this way, and yet I keep taking on the responsibility to come back and to help her.
Since the consensus seems to be that there is no help for these people, I just need to find the strength to get out once and for all. I have been through every possible emotional process over this, but now as I read all these stories, my anger and resentment fades away. She has to be seen as having an illness. It makes me so sorry for her, to think what will become of her as the decades pass. She was also a victim of sexual abuse at a very young age and now this is what she has become. She is a perfect tragedy.
And yes I also agree that the soulless and competitive way in which our society and media work allows these types of disorders to proliferate undetected.
I want to thank everyone here for taking the trouble to write a bit about their experience, and I hope your lives are all getting better. Trust me, I completely know and feel the pain you are all talking about. The depression and trauma after being married to someone like this is beyond normal human capacity, and it feels like you will never be able to meet someone let alone love someone ever again. It's like that person is a virus and you can't recover. My wife is an extraordinary, hyperintelligent and sexy lady. I realize now that the signs of her ASPD were there early on but I overlooked it and I idealized her, maybe mainly because I too, like others here, am lonely and needy and she was my perfect fantasy. After years upon years of chronic drug abuse, infidelity, death threats, health care complaints, legal protection etc etc, I am pulling the pin and we will finally be divorced in a few months from now. Being alone is miserable, but when I weigh it up, it beats the unspeakable agony of having her in my life.
I am currently ignoring her to defuse her power over me, but like someone else here said, I am scared that I will take her back the minute she asks or makes sexual advances toward me. She knows my weaknesses.
She was so kind and loving and big-hearted and moral in the beginning. Was it really all a lie?
Wow! Thank you for this. I could tick all the boxes with regards to my soon to be ex wife. She really destroyed my life, difficult to believe it was planned and intentional, but it was.
ReplyDeleteAll my life i have never seen anything that work so fast like Dr.Agbazara spell. I am from New Jersey and my name is Nicole after contacting Dr.Agbazara then i started believing in the saying that every coin has two sides. When my lover left me she sworn never to come back to me again but thank God that through the help of Dr.Agbazara i have my lover back to me within 48 hours and i will also want other people that are heart broken to contact Dr.Agbazara through these details below which are via email: ( agbazara@gmail.com ) or via Whatsapp on +2348104102662 then you can see the wonders of Dr.Agbazara
ReplyDeleteI was just married 3 months ago and have already moved out. We have been trying to work things out, but it has become increasingly apparent to me that nothing that I say or do will change things.
ReplyDeleteI actually found this page by doing a Google search for "accuses me of what she is doing". It's absolutely insane! Each time I think to myself that I am feeling a certain way because she is doing 'XYZ' behavior, before I can even find the words to articulate it, she has already slung accusations in my direction, implicating me in that very same behavior!
She never ever admits to being wrong about anything and would never dream of apologizing. What's worse is that I don't think that she is even capable of recognizing her own wrongs.
Any time we are in an argument and I paint her into a corner, so-to-speak, where there is no way that she can disprove my argument or defend her innocence, she immediately redirects the conversation and accuses me of something else or tries to bring up something from the past that I have "done wrong". I guess she figures that if I'm defending myself, then I can't be focused on her B.S. and get her to admit any wrongdoing.
Like I said, we only got married 3 months ago and I moved back out of her place about 6 weeks ago. I told her I would not be back until she got her head out of her ass and learned how to humble herself and be real with me. I'm starting to see now, that it might not be a possibility at all. She, like so many of the wives that I've read about in the above comments, ticks off most of the criteria from the lists on this page. I'm just so grief stricken right now and not really wanting to face the fact that I may have to walk away from what I thought was going to be the love of my life. Pray for me, Fellas.
I hear ya. I just moved out one month ago after 16 years of marriage. Two teenage kids.
ReplyDeleteI kept trying to change her, well, I should say I kept waiting for her to grow up? Learn from a mistake? Stop lying? Stop spending money we don't have? It was a brutal whirlwind of abuse and kindness, with much more energy and time on the verbal abuse. The lies upon lies upon lies...dizzying.. Figured out she's been sleeping around on me, a lot, for awhile now. Thank God I'm away from her. However, she is the mother of my children and we share custody. So I'll still have to deal with her. Mostly worried about my kids, my wife lies to them and never keeps promises. They are old enough now and figuring it out that their mom is totally full of shit, mentally unstable and a slut. I don't have to say a word, its all coming out on its own.
If any of you guys out there even think you may be involved with a woman showing sociopathic and/or narcissistic tendencies, get the hell out now. If you're unsure, see a therapist and ask them. DO NOT waste 15 years of your life, like I feel like I have. There may be some good times, especially in the beginning, but any reward is not worth the nightmare.
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ReplyDeleteOmg and there is me thinking I am the worst bloke in the world ...I'm going through a divorce as we speak and this woman has fast tracked me straight to court this woman has called me a narcissist a gaslighter and a sociopath ... after reading this I can honestly say she has called me all these things to cover her self ..I'm a placid bloke who over the last 14 years has been bullied belittled and abused . I never feel good about myself because of her hateful control traits ...thank you for this I thought I was the only bloke who has been through this
ReplyDeleteDO YOU NEED A GOOD SPELL CASTER TO BRING BACK YOUR LOST LOVE EMAIL: LOVESPELLDOCTOR0@GMAIL.COM FOR HELP I have been in relationship with my boyfriend for 2 year now and we were planning to get married soon and all of a sudden he left me for another girl, i really love this guy and never can imagine my life without him. I further tried all my best to get him back but all my effort to get him back in my life did not work out. It was on this faithful day, i came across some comments on a website about this great spell caster called Dr love so many persons claimed that he help them to renew their relationship and bring their ex back, i had to contact him because he was my last hope. I contacted him through his email and he assured me that in two days time my boyfriend is going to leave the other girl and come back to me and it was a very great surprise to see my boyfriend coming back to me after two days. I am so very happy today that he came back to me and i achieved this with the help of Dr love and i advice if you need his help too email him direct at (lovespelldoctor0@gmail com) check blog: https://doctorlovespell0.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteI've been a member of this "Group" for a few years now. I was shocked when I first came across this blog and realized there were others out there getting banged up like I was. I was in a bad spot and didn't know how or why? If y'all look back at a couple of earlier comments I made, the difference between then and now is obvious. I filed for divorce during her last affair (she admitted to more than 20 but no firm number) when she just didn't even try to hide it anymore. Hell, I even had the guys phone number. She even asked me once if we could all 3 just work it out? Anyway, she couldn't believe I filed for divorce and said I did it all sneaky even though I waited 7 months to file once I moved out. Crushed her in court because I knew exactly how she would answer every question and she walked right into every framed question posed to her. I offered to settle before court started because I knew it wasn't gonna be pretty in court and she refused. She was ripped apart by the judge but this state I live in is a heavy "mother first" state and still only came out with 50/50 split. I got discouraged after some vcrazy conduct by her was swept under the rug by the system. I almost gave up but kept moving forward. Today I have custody of our 3 children and her "supervised visits" are 100% at my descretion. Do I feel safe? Hell no! Has she accepted it? Hell no! Does she cooperate and play by the rules? Hell no! Have found GPS trackers on my truck and get phone calls from agencies she has made false reports with. I handle my business and my kids are doing great. She has been exposed and not much she can do to touch me. I'm still very aware of situations and avoid anything that could look like it's me doing anything wrong. Because it's not about the kids in her mind. To her it's me against her and she lost. She has to look good and now she knows people know she lost her kids. Her and my relationship still looks to be a lifelong commitment even though we've been divorced for years. Til death do we part was more bullseye than I could have ever imagined. I love my life! Don't give up! They can be defeated!
ReplyDeleteOh, the settlement I offered her before court that she refused is the exact same thing we came out of court with.
ReplyDeleteWow it's been a long time since I've posted a comment but I'd like to give you all a summary of how I've finally defeated the Narc in my life, my ex-wife. As you may or may not know, her and I were together for 15 years. After a year and a half of me being in a very dark place in my life, I stayed strong, and for the most part have healed the wounds.
ReplyDeleteWell she has always hoovered but now it's been 3 years since I've seen her and she is still at it, thinking about her Grade A supply - me. She has now made an attempt to re-engage, similar to a hoover but after a much more significant time period. I didn't believe it when I read about how narcs never leave their old victims alone, but sure enough after all of these years she is still sending a heat check, to try to trigger a response from me to gauge where I am in my life, and if she still has any chance of re-entering my life. So she calls my job, she changes her number and calls my number and leaves me voicemail messages. In these messages she is the damsel in distress. Oh how she misses me and cannot live without me and how she is so sorry for everything, and how she never got closure from me, and how she misses how safe I made her feel, blah blah fucking blah. If you pay attention and read between those lines, you will realize that she is referring to HER and not to ME! How SHE feels, how SHE felt, how SHE never got closure. Everything is about HER.
So she is playing on my emotions. She is betting the house that I will give in because she knows that I am a normal person who is empathetic to others. She remembers all that I gave, the love I gave, the attention I gave, the worship I gave and she is betting the house that I am still this fool that was tricked for so long by the illusion that she is a sweetheart of a woman. Oh she knows how to put on the charm and when, but she is unable to sustain that.
Just before the divorce she successfully hoovered and re-entered my life. It was followed by a love-bombing or a re-idealization period in which she put me on a pedestal again. But it only lasted 3 weeks before she discarded me again and that was the last straw and I filed for divorce. I realized what she was doing, that she will say just about anything to trigger me to respond. She doesn't miss me. She doesn't want to be my wife again and reciprocate anything to me. Something has failed for her. The new source or sources of supply have failed. So she has gone through her list of old victims and is trying to get that validation, that supply and she needs it NOW! So who better than me? I was and always will be her Grade A supply. She will say and do anything to get me to respond because just hearing my voice will be enough to give her that hit that she so badly needs, and she will laugh and say to herself "He still cares for me; he still thinks of me; I still affect him" and she will be good to live off of that high for the next several months back on top of the world. No I don't think so! I am not going to give her that satisfaction! I am not going to reward the narc! Why should I reward her after all that she has done to me? The best way to say something is to say nothing at all. As long as you play this game you will never win. You win by no longer playing the game.
I do not pick up. I do not return the calls or voicemail messages. I realize that everything she says is complete bullshit! Hey sorry honey but I am no longer your fool. You can't mess with me. You can't break me. I am stronger than you. You are the weak one. Sorry to break it to you but I am too much work for you. Narcs like the easy way out, they don't want to work hard trying to groom. So unfortunately you are going to have to work on grooming your next victim for new supply, or go back to other victims and re-engage them for your supply, because I know what you are, I know how you think, and I am no longer a supply for you.
To give you all more encouragement, my ex has come back and tried to get in my good graces lots of time. At first I didn't realize what was really behind the scenes. She would tell me everything I wanted to hear. And it would work. Remember, narcs are illusionists. They show us the phony layer of a persona that they want us to see in order to hide what's really underneath, that broken, empty, dead, emotionless monstrosity that lies within.
ReplyDeleteAt some point after several of her hoover attempts succeeded but failed to sustain each and every time, I caught on to her cycle. I told myself, "ok she loves me and adores me again and misses me and is sorry, then I let her back in, only so she can deny what she did, shift the blame to me, and leave again". Every time. So, she would come back when her supply and other sources would fail, just to get the validation that she is the best and she is smarter than me and can trick me again to get what she wants, and then when she is done she moves onto the other sources which she has successfully hoovered again, and devalues me and discards me, because its all on her terms, not mines. It would leave me hurt, confused, angry, and I'd beat myself up emotionally and start my no contact from square one all over again.
So to all of you ladies and gents that are stuck in that cycle, just remember that you're not alone and you can make it through this. Rely on friends and families to help support you through this. It's draining, exhausting and it's so tough for anyone to understand. We will never understand how their minds think but just understand that they are really messed up and that is not your problem. You, myself, and all of us are able to be happy and content with ourselves. We are able to be happy for each other and tell each other, good work, great job. They are unable to be content with themselves. That is why they need constant validation from other people to make themselves think and feel that they are better, that they are the ultimate tricksters, that they are above consequence and can do whatever they want and if they get caught, no big deal because forgiveness from you and all of their victims is meaningless.
The hardest thing for me to grasp during the aftermath was why would she come to me, agree to marry me, and spend so much time with me, only to end up damaging the relationship in the end. And I found during my research on this disorder that they are very paranoid and are control freaks and they must end it on their terms once they sense the change in your behavior.
So once I called her on her inappropriate behavior, that was an injury to her perfect fake persona and she thought "you're not the perfection I was looking for after all". I was a direct threat to her imaginary fantasy of a perfect being. Although it was her inappropriate behavior which caused my reaction, she used that as a means of looking for a new supply of worship and validation that she is a perfect goddess. They are mental cases and they feed off of our anguish and pain that they cause in us. This is no way to live our lives. This is how they choose to live their lives! This is not our we choose to live our lives! So please reply to us when ever you feel down and find yourself struggling I will be there for you to lift you up and to help remind you of what they put you through.
We are family. Stay well and stay strong together.
By definition, Insanity means doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Let me try to cover the predictable narc cycle and we will all see for ourselves just how insane they are. Just swap female for male when appropriate.
ReplyDelete- Narc Female meets Male A with her charm and perfect fake persona and idealizes and love-bombs Male A.
- Male A falls heads over heels for Narc Female.
- Soon after, Narc Female lies, cheats, and begins acting recklessly, not worried about any consequences she may face from Male A because in her mind, she is perfect and will never get caught.
- Male A confronts Narc Female about her inappropriate behavior, lying, and cheating.
- Narc Female gaslights, and denies this behavior, shifts the blame onto Male A, putting him in a position where he is now feeling apologetic, confused, and wondering if he is overreacting, and if he’s going crazy.
- Narc Female begins to punish Male A by going no contact, initiating silent treatment, devaluing, criticizing everything, and getting violent and withholding affection and sex.
- Narc Female begins to triangulate by getting others involved; friends and family members on her side against Male A.
- Narc Female seeks out Male B from her past for validation, re-engaging him, calling him, saying she misses him and complains how Male A is crazy and no longer supplying her with what she needs.
- Narc Female begins to seek out Male C grooming him as a next potential supply for validation of her greatness and as a possible replacement for Male A, while never telling Male C that she is in a relationship with Male A.
- Narc Female leaves Male A for a couple of weeks, causing trauma and codependency and depression in Male A.
- Narc Female enjoys the high from Male A’s pain while she binges in sex and alcohol and reckless behavior with Male B and Male C behind each other’s backs.
- Narc Female hoovers Male A, bragging about Male B and Male C, and/or blaming him for the separation.
- Something goes wrong between Narc Female and Male B and between Narc Female and Male C.
- Narc Female re-engages Male A, calling him up as her new supplies have failed and she is in desperation and panic mode for immediate reassurance that she is perfect and lovely, and calls Male A for validation, security, self-esteem assurance and another chance.
- Male A, being in codependent depression, and who misses and loves Narc Female, gives into her fake apologies and forgives her and allows her to come back not knowing the true agenda Narc Female has.
- Narc Female love-bombs and re-idealizes Male A while planting her hooks back into him.
- Unable to sustain the illusion and fake persona, Narc Female falls back into more reckless behavior, gaslighting, blame-shifting, and devaluing.
- Narc Female who is always looking for a better opportunity, and thinks the grass is always greener, begins to hoover Male B and Male C again, looking for validation and new thrills, and begins to groom potential candidate Male D as her next supply, and replacement for Male A.
- Male A confronts Narc Female about her constant bullshit and provides proof of her lies and infidelities.
- Narc Female punishes Male A and goes no contact again, during which time she enjoys time with Male D.
- Male A is left hurting again, feeling depressed, confused and doesn’t know what to do as he doesn’t understand what is happening and why the woman he loves is doing this.
And it goes on and on and on and on… this is INSANE! It only stops when Male A tells Narc Female to fuck off and never talks to her again. And Victory is his as he rebuilds his life.